Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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