He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
