he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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