I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize