You work out of a Hotel?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
