Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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