His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize