Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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