i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
