"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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