at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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