Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
