i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
