I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
