I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
