Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
