So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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