drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
