You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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