the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
