Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize