Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
PANTIES FOUND
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize