I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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