he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
