Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
