Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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