Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
