when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We have started to decorate penises.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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