My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
