did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
