If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
