just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
