Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
