I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
