I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
