Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
