I wish I could teleport
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
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