You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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