Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
