u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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