help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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