i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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