The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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