My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
