just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I just went to clothing optional bar
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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