11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
