What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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