i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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