Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
