Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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