I have demons in me.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
