we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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