Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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