sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize