I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
