I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
