Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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