Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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