i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
honey bunches of taint.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
