My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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