you turned your livingroom into a bong?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
