If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
