I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
