I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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