Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
