I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
